Full Circle

Some of you may wonder why I blog so much during this ordeal. Quite frankly, I eat, breathe and sleep Gracie and this blog helps me feel connected to her when I am home at night or even when I am by her side in the hospital. This is my journal of every detail of her life to remember always. I was a journal writer when I was young and into my young adulthood. I think it helps me deal with challenging times in my life.

Dr. K was here this morning and decided to go in again and wash out Gracie's chest because of the bleeding. He also turned down the flow on the ECMO machine to see if her little heart would take over and do some of the work.

It didn't.

Her little heart is just not going to recover. We are out of second chances. They have done all they can do. Her body is wearing out.

If it were up to me, I would keep Gracie on ECMO for a month just to see her sweet face, touch her delicate hand or rub her cute little toes. But we have to let our sweet girl go, for her sake. Luckily, it is not a decision we had to make. She made it for us. She is not in pain but her body is suffering.

She is still having a tremendous amount of bleeding. Her body has had enough. Our hearts are aching.

We came home tonight and had a little family council. What a difficult thing to tell your children that this time, for sure, Gracie is not coming home. To see the tears on my children's cheeks is almost too much to bear. I knew a long time ago that if Gracie passed away that it would be difficult for Tom and I, but I DREADED dealing with three grieving children. Two mornings ago Max asked me first thing when he woke up, "Mom, how long does MOURNING last?" I told him that it can last a long, long, time. After our meeting tonight Max made Gracie a sign that said "We Love You Gracie" with a big red heart to take with us to the hospital tomorrow. I think she will like it.

So tomorrow is a very dreaded day. The day most parents hope they will never have. The one where they say goodbye to their little one for this lifetime. In the morning, we are going to take the kids up to say goodbye then they will be taken home while Tom and I stay up there for however long we feel we need to.

We have come full circle. The reason I say that is because one week ago we got the call that we thought would change our lives for the better, forever.

It wasn't to be.

Now, we have the chance to donate some of Gracie's organs. Wow, what an experience.
Because of this, we won't get to be with her after her passing like we would want to. Our donor family didn't get to do that either. I envisioned being able to hold her for as long as I wanted to after her passing but you can't do that when you are an organ donor. They will let us be there when she passes but will have to take her immediately to the operating room. I feel like it's the least we can do. We are so grateful for the family that gave our daughter a new chance at life. We hope that Gracie can do that for someone else too.

Thank you for the tremendous outpouring of love and support to our family. We feel the peace that your prayers are bringing into our lives.

WE LOVE YOU GRACIE GIRL!! You have changed our lives for the better and we will strive to live our lives in a way that we can see you again in heaven. You have been a pure blessing, an absolute treasured gift.