Two Months Ago

Gracie, two months have gone by since I last held you in my arms. I think about you constantly and wanted to write down some of my thoughts.

Gracie, I think of you........

When I was shopping in St. George and saw all the cute new spring baby clothes at Gymboree and my sister and I kept saying 'Oh da Geeg (pronounced JeeJ ;)' to try and lighten the mood.

When I saw your picture in your daddy's office and realized that for now, it matches all the other kids pictures. In the future, their pictures will change, but yours will stay the same. :(

When I registered Callie for Kindergarten and realized that in another year I will have an empty house all day, every day. And I will never be able to register you for Kindergarten.

When I saw a cute new baby boutique and knew I couldn't go in it.

Every time I drive on the main highway and look up on the hill as I pass the cemetery where your precious body lays.

When I picked up a prescription at the pharmacy the other day and felt like telling the pharmacist that the reason we weren't filling YOUR prescriptions anymore was because you passed away. I wonder if he notices.

When I watch American Idol ;) and watch Danny Gokey sing who lost his wife during surgery to a congenital heart defect.

When I see the new items on the baby aisle at Target that is right down the center of the store where I can't avoid it.

When they asked me to contribute to Primary Children's at Costco and I wrote GRACIE really big on the hot air balloon donation slip.

When I listened to General Conference and listened to our Prophet Thomas S. Monson's talk. He talked about a pioneer women who buried her husband and her FOUR children as she crossed the plains in the dreary winter. She buried her children in the cold ground by digging their graves by hand with a teaspoon and then when the teaspoon was gone, by digging the last one's grave with her BARE HANDS. It helps keep my trials in perspective.

When Callie looks at your picture and starts talking to you and making cute little sounds, like you're really there.......

When I clean out Callie's closet and realize I don't need to save her clothes because I don't have anyone to hand them down to anymore.

When I get another medical bill in the mail.

When I was sick and went to a new doctor and had to answer 'the question' as to how many children/live pregnancies I had and had to tell them you had just passed away 6 weeks ago. Reliving your story again and almost crying to a total stranger.

When I took Callie to the pediatrician and it was the first time I had been back there without you and our 'setup' with the stroller, feeding backpack, oxygen and diaper bag.

When I see a coupon for diapers, wipes or baby lotion and realize I don't need to cut them out.

When I passed an ambulance traveling northbound on the freeway with it's lights flashing but no siren, just like when we went. I wondered who was in there and what they were going through.

When I wore for the first time, the outfit that I was wearing the last time I held you in my arms.

When I see your brothers and sister tear up and get sad because they miss you so much.

We love and miss you Gracie Girl! The kids pray for you every night. We know you are being taken care of up there. Until we meet again my sweet baby.

Easter Memories

Easter Sunday March 23, 2008

Gracie, 3 days old

Gracie's 'My First Easter' socks!

Pure Love.

Last year Easter fell on Sunday March 23rd, Gracie was 3 days old and had her Norwood open heart surgery scheduled for the next morning. These are three pictures that I didn't post on my blog from last Easter. This is the first holiday that we celebrated without her. I think she would've looked pretty darn cute in a sweet little Easter dress this year. :(

What a difference a year makes. We had no idea in those pictures where we would be on this Easter Sunday. I wish it was with Gracie.

We have a deeper appreciation for our Savior Jesus Christ and his Atonement. We know that he lives and that we can live with him again and be with Gracie if we live righteously here on the earth. I have talks about this frequently with my children and try to stress the importance of making good choices every day so that we can be with Gracie again. Even the little choices like being nice to each other. ;)


The following are a few pictures from this Easter April 12, 2009. The kids had a great time on the annual egg hunt. (Like the grocery sacks? I forgot to bring their baskets to grandma's!)
My kids look older to me now. I don't know if it's because we don't have a little baby around the house anymore or if it's that the last 1 1/2 years of their lives are a blur, or both. Either way, I am cherishing these fun years of them still being cute on things like an Easter egg hunt. I don't think it will be quite the same taking pictures of my teenagers egg hunting?!

I hope everybody had a good Easter, I know we did. I am grateful for the three living children that I have, they help me to not get too depressed about Gracie. Seeing their shining faces everyday makes me smile. Our memories of Gracie do too.

Article in the Deseret News

Paul playing 'Gracie's Theme' at the concert. (picture taken by the Deseret News)

This post is a little late but I say better late than never! The Deseret News is doing a series of articles about Paul waiting for a heart transplant. This article came out Saturday, April 11th. The first one appeared on the day of Gracie's obituary (I don't think it was a coincidence!) We have saved every article but wanted to post the link to this one because they talked all about the Living for Eden concert and then talked about Paul playing 'Gracie's Theme'. Here is what the article said about Gracie:

The family of Gracie Gledhill, an infant who was one of Cardall's fellow patients at Primary Children's Medical Center, was honored with a tribute to their daughter, who died last month after surviving only a year with a congenital heart defect. Her funeral had been Cardall's only public performance since he was listed for a transplant last August.

He spoke of his fellow patients at Primary Children's, most of them decades younger than he and wondering what the future holds. "I have great faith in the future," he said. "Whether or not it turns out the way some of us want it to, I know there is a great thing called 'families are forever.'"

With that, he sat down and played the only song he's written in the past several months, dedicating the performance of "Gracie's Theme" to Dr. John Hawkins, "who is also fighting for his life." When it was finished, the little girl danced over the oxygen cord and into the arms of the man at the piano — the one who works every day at living for Eden.

Read the rest of the article here.

We have enjoyed getting to know the Cardall's. They are a wonderful family, so faithful in Christ and all around fun people. We have been so humbled by the blessings that continue to come from our associations with all of you who have supported us over this past year.

I started this blog a few weeks after we found out about Gracie's heart condition when I was about 23 weeks along. The purpose was to keep family and friends in the loop as to what was going on with our baby but it turned into much, much more.

The blog has given me:

--strength from the comments and emails of my friends/family and all the new friends that we have met through this online world. I would not have had near the support if people just 'heard I had a sick baby in the hospital'.

--an irreplaceable journal of every important detail of Gracie's life. I have hundreds of emails from friends and strangers that I will keep as part of her story.

--a way to meet, support and keep in contact with other heart families linked through our blog. I have formed friendships that I hope will last for a long time.

--a reason to be more conscious of the everyday details that I turned into blog entries. Some memories, I am convinced I would not have recorded without the blog.

--an outlet where I could share Gracie's spirit and her special mission on earth in a way that has touched others for good.

I have often thought of what will become of this blog. It has served our family well and was a great way for me to feel like I was doing something 'for her' sometimes when I could not be with her, sometimes when I could not hold her and sometimes just while she was sleeping at home. The blog is now a place where I can go to see her picture, listen to 'her' music and read past entries/comments about her life.

Since I created a private family blog several months back, I'm sure that I will start to blog more and more on that one and less and less on this one. This one was devoted just to Gracie and now that she is gone, I will have less and less things to write about. I don't want it to be a place for gloom and doom all the time. Sometimes I feel like putting a disclaimer at the top of my blog that warns people not to read it if they don't want to be depressed! :(

We know that Gracie is in a better place and that she is with our Heavenly Father and Jesus and is purely happy. It is just hard for all of us left here on this earth because we miss her dearly.

Thanks again for all of your love and support, we have truly been overwhelmed by the letters, comments, blog entries and emails of stories telling us how Gracie has changed your lives for good. In the midst of our great sorrow, your words of kindness and attachment to Gracie and her memory is what gives us great peace and happiness.

Paul Cardall's Benefit Concert

Living For Eden.....Paul's darling 3 year old daughter. The benefit concert was for Paul who has been waiting 231 days on the heart transplant list.

Backstage with Ryan Shupe, Paul Cardall and Kurt Bestor . We originally weren't going to bring our kids to the concert but Paul talked us into it and told us he wanted us to come back stage before the concert with our kids. They had a great time and wore their back stage pass badges to school the next day!

Backstage with Peter Breinholt and David Tolk.

Me and my hubby


Max is wearing his 'Gracie necklace' that Liz and Heidi (angel heart moms) made him and my other kids......thanks you guys :)

Taylor and his ring pop. My kids are sugar addicts.


Hmmmmmm.....is this the face of an innocent girl? Think again! :) Callie was SUCH a stinker at the concert!! She ran up and down and up and down the aisles almost the whole night. We had to take her to the bathroom once, and another time to get a drink (even though I made sure I took her to the bathroom right before the concert started!). No amount of bribery would work. We tried about 5 different kinds of treats. She would eat a little bit of her treat and then off she went to run free!!

Me and the kids.....Tom was missing in action.

Callie salivating over the Cinderella dress up that was in the silent auction.

Me and my friend (of 30 years!!) Marci.

Me and Brytten, Teagan's mom. We met Brytten in the hospital right after Gracie was born. Her son was born 10 days earlier. The picture below is of them together when we went to visit Teagan after his Glenn surgery. We always said they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Now Teagan will have to find another gal :( :( :(
Our family had been looking forward to this concert for a long time. It was worth the wait!! We had an INCREDIBLE night. We saw so many of our friends and family and had a GREAT time. I wish I could've gotten a picture with everybody! We are so grateful for all of you who came out to support Paul (and Gracie!). The musicians were great. They had Kurt Bestor, Ryan Shupe and the Rubber Band, Peter Breinholt, Sam Payne, David Tolk, and Colors.

My sister Stephanie recorded the song/tribute (thanks Stef!!!) that they had Peter Breinholt do for Gracie. It was so surreal to see a huge slideshow of my sweet baby for over 3,000 people to see. What a special experience. You could almost hear a pin drop when the song was over.

Take a look: (you can pause my playlist music at the bottom and then hit the play button at the bottom of this little video clip)



When I met Paul's mom earlier in the evening, she told me that Paul was probably going to play at the end of the concert and that he was planning on playing 'Gracie's Theme'!!!!! My heart sank with the weight of emotion I was feeling. I told her that I would for sure be needing some Kleenex and I forgot to bring some!! She very thoughtfully tracked down a pack and split it with me!! :) Here is the video clip of Paul playing 'Gracie's Theme' in honor of Gracie and all of our other little heart buddies. It was awesome to hear him play it live.

This was a night we will never forget. I will never be able to express how thankful we are to Paul. The fact that he has only written ONE song since he has been listed for transplant and that song is for Gracie is overwhelming. We have been so lucky to receive so much love and support. We want to thank Paul for sharing his big night with our girl. We want to thank him for helping keep Gracie's memory alive, a memory that will live on through this song.

In regards to the blog entry that Peter Breinholt read before the tribute, I too wish I could've attended one of Paul's concerts with Gracie on my lap. But I do look forward to attending his concert POST TRANSPLANT with Paul feeling a whole lot better and having a new lease on life.

Please pray for Paul, we need him around for many, many more years to come!!

One Month Ago

The good thing about having other children in the house is that you can't get too depressed. As I write this, Callie is blasting the movie High School Musical 3. Who can be down when they are rocking out to 'The Boys Are Back"? :)

One month ago, we said our last goodbyes to our girl. I just posted yesterday so I don't want to go on and on about the sadness of this one month anniversary. These are pictures of when we brought the kids up to say goodbye. Our nurses did such a good job of making her look 'good' by getting out the prettiest new blankets, covering up all the ECMO tubes, putting a little gown on her up to her neck so the kids wouldn't be scared of what was happening to her. Because we had such a heart wrenching goodbye, I find that when I am watching a sad movie where they are saying goodbye to someone that I get a lot more teary now. I'm sure I will do that from now on. Little things will probably easily trigger tears that would not have come to me before this experience.

Before Gracie died, I told a friend that I believed that when hard times come our way, we have to have faith in the plan and not in the outcome. If we only have faith in the outcome, and that outcome doesn't turn out the way we want it, then all we are left with is bitterness and anger. If we have faith in the Lord and his plan and love for all of us here on earth, then we can make every challenge a learning experience.

To my Gracie: I am grateful to have had a slice of heaven in our home, even if it was only for a short time. I am humbled to be your mother. We love you and have missed you for the last 31 days and will miss you everyday until we see you again.

I Want...............

I want to hold my baby.


I want to give her kisses.


I want to give her a bath.


I want to change her diaper.


I want to wash her clothes.


I want to hear her cry.


I want to make her smile.


I want to see her play with her toys.


I want her to do her cute little 'look away' when I see her.


I want to say 'Who's that pretty girl over there!' to her one more time.


I want to fluff her hair.


I want to see her 12 little teeth.


I want to refill her medication.


I want another picture of her.


I want to turn on Dora the Explorer for her.


I want to bring her to the next family party.


I want to see her light up when you give her her chapstick.


I want to see the pure love on her face when she cuddles up to her blankie.


I want to hear her whine for me when she sees me.


I want to see my kids with her again.



Just one more time...................