Our Christmas Card

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!!

Gracie's Tree

Wow, I can't believe the Festival of Trees has already come and gone. It was a once in a lifetime, wonderful experience! Monday, November 30th was decorating day at the South Towne Expo Center. We transported the tree in a moving van which made the day go by relatively fast because the tree was already decorated!! It was fun to be there and feel all the energy of everybody busily working on their creations. The Festival is such a massive undertaking, it was very impressive to see how they ran it like a well oiled machine. There were 400 large trees and 400 small trees along with wreaths, centerpieces, quilts and more. You could feel the spirit that was there. So many trees were dedicated to people who had passed away, it was very special. I have heard that some people call it the 'Festival of Tears' because of all the dedicated trees and their stories.

Pictures of Gracie's Tree don't really do it justice. It is so much prettier than the pictures portray! We were able to make it so nice all because of our wonderful family, friends and blogging friends who donated to the Gracie Tree fund!! Without all of you, this wouldn't have been possible, we thank you from the bottom of our 'hearts'!

We took our kids on Wednesday, the first day the Festival was open to the public. They had already seen it decorated at my sister's house but they had a fun time being there and feeling the energy of the Festival. This is a picture of Max reading the back of the sign for Gracie's Tree. They have you put the story of the person it is dedicated to on the back of the sign. That way, people can choose whether or not they want to read about the person's story. It was sweet to watch Max stay close to the tree and observe all the people who came and commented on her tree and her story. It was kind of a surreal experience.
This is a picture of the WHOLE tree on decorating day. The black tape on the ground divides all the sections. We had a 9 foot by 7 foot space.

We bought a vanity to go along with the tree. I found it with the help of my friend Michelle, at a consignment store and had it painted at another store. It turned out so cute. I also bought the white chandelier that we jimmy rigged to hang above the vanity. We completed the vanity with a dress up boa, brush, comb and mirror set, dress up beads, a silver decorative Christmas tree and fake cupcakes on these darling handmade little holders made out of upside down glasses and dainty plates glued together.
I found this gorgeous adult minky blanket at Swiss Days in Heber over Labor Day. We displayed it over the bench that came with the vanity and topped it with the picture of our sweet GG. They allowed the large trees to include ONE 8x10 picture of the person the tree is dedicated to. No pictures were allowed on the tree itself.

Our empty boxes were wrapped with cute wrapping paper from Swiss Days. And a $150 gift certificate to BRIGHTON!!

A $125 gift certificate to any spa that participates in the Spa Finder program.

I found this cute little stitchery at Swiss Days. I knew it had to go with the tree because this phrase has been on so many of us heart moms blog. It reads 'Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.'
I found this dress form at a fun store down in American Fork called Finders Keepers. We added some pink and green ribbon and the flower to match Gracie's Tree.
A close up of some of the fun ornaments on the tree. The crystal chandelier ornaments were one of my FAVORITES. We got a lot of our ornaments at Hobby Lobby but we bought them in September so we had a great selection!
The tree skirt was made out of a bright pink minky fabric with a pink and green cotton border and green jewel trim. I wanted a minky tree skirt because it reminded me of all the fun, soft blankets we had for Gracie. It was big and beautiful. I had a lady from the fabric store make it and my mom finished it by sewing on the trim and the darling covered buttons that secured the tree skirt together in the back.

Tom, Me, Mimi, and Steve on opening night.

We went to Opening Night at the Festival on December 1st, from 8-10 p.m. after the auction which was from 5-8p.m. It is an event that is mainly for the decorators and no one under 16 years old is admitted. It is semi formal and they have a child with medical issues 'turn on the lights of the festival'. It is also when you can go and see if your tree sold at the auction. Well..........when we got there, our friends, Steve and Mimi Roberts had come earlier to the auction and BOUGHT GRACIE'S TREE AND GAVE IT TO US!!!!!!!! We couldn't believe it and were so humbled by their thoughtfulness and generosity. The tree has now been delivered and is in Gracie's room by the window for all to see. Gracie's room has been transformed and has a piano in it with a recliner and a wall with her shelf and some of her mementos. Her room is a special place to be where it is just a little bit quieter, a place to have a little peace.

And last, a picture of our sweet baby last Christmas opening a gift bag. Little did we know that would be the one and only Christmas we had with our girl. I remember packing away her ornaments last year wondering what 2009 would bring. I would never have guessed the road we were to take this year. It is human nature to dislike and resist trials in our lives but I have to admit that it brings a dimension to your soul that you cannot achieve in any other way.

We are so grateful to all of you who we met at the Festival, who stop and tell us how touched you have been by her story. For all of our friends and family who continue to bless us with their support and friendship. The relationships we have formed through this blog and the existing friendships and family relationships that have deepened because of it have enriched our lives forever. We are grateful our baby's life has had an impact on so many through this invaluable blog. Thanks to all of you, we are able to honor Gracie through the Festival of Trees and raise money for precious children who have vibrant futures ahead of them!! Thank you!

Festival of Trees

Mark your calendars!! The Festival of Trees is in 17 days! I have been busy working on Gracie's Tree for the past 4-6 weeks. It has been fun to see everything come together.
Her tree is done!! We have put it all together in my sister's basement and plan on transporting it in a moving truck to the Festival!! My good friend's two sisters are designers and they came and put all of our ornaments and decorations on her tree so that it would look PERFECT and it does! A tree fit for the memory of a very special girl. I won't post pictures of her tree until the Festival starts.........I don't want to ruin the surprise! All I can say is that our tree is not the conventional red and green Christmas tree. When I thought of a theme for Gracie's tree, I knew I could not do it red and green. Those colors just aren't Gracie. So I decided to do it in bright pinks and apple greens with a healthy dose of blingy, shiny, crystal ornaments!! Super girly and super cute!! We have some fun things to go around the tree. It will be every little girls dream. Everything I would buy for Gracie if she were still with us.

We couldn't have done the tree in the way we did without all of the GENEROUS donations from all of our friends, family and blogging friends out there. So for that I give a huge Shout Out to all of you!! We really, really appreciate your support.

A lot of people have asked us how the whole thing works and how they sell the trees. The Festival has an auction the night before they open it to the public. Tickets are $30 and that admits two adults. Once inside, there is a silent auction on all of the trees there. If the trees do not sell the night of the auction, then they are sold to the general public the remaining days of the Festival. Tickets for the general public are $4.oo (discount $3.50) for adults and $3.00 (discount $2.50) for children and $3.00 for Senior Citizens. Wednesday Family Day $14.00. Discount tickets are available at Zion's Bank.

I hope everyone has a chance to attend the Festival of Trees this year. EVERY SINGLE DOLLAR of the proceeds go to Primary Children's Hospital. Everything from the money they make on admission to the items they sell at the Sweet Shoppe will go to the kids at Primarys. What a WONDERFUL cause. I can't think of a better way to start out the Christmas season than to give something to those in need.
Hope to see you there!!

My sweet angel baby......we miss you so.....

(Gracie 4 months old)

Last Halloween

After you loose a loved one, you can't help but reflect on the past when it comes to holidays. Tonight we will go to my dad's annual Halloween party and I can't help but think about last year when we had our little GG with us. She was so much fun and doing relatively well at the time, even though we had gotten the bad news that she would not be able to have her second surgery until the pressures in her heart went back down. Reflecting on her 11 short months here on earth, I can't help but feel the Lord's divine hand in our lives.

The doctor's pushed out her second surgery as far as they could. She was 7 months at the time of her Cath procedure and babies with her condition are supposed to have their second surgery between 4-6 months. Then when we got the bad news about the pressures in her heart being too high. They pushed it out FOUR MORE months which is really unheard of. She was 11 months old at the time she was supposed to have her pressures checked again and hopefully be eligible for surgery. Looking back, I realize that all of these 'delays' were just the gift of TIME given to us to be with our little girl, just a little longer. To have her for every holiday. Every single one: Easter, Fourth of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. We even had her on Valentines Day even though she was in the hospital recovering from her stroke and waiting for her heart transplant. Memories of each of those holidays is all that I will have in my heart to remember her by.

I wanted to include a few pictures from last year. Three out of the four pictures I did not post last year. The first one I did, I couldn't resist reposting this one again. My little lamby with a shy smile. We miss you our little GG..........

The football player, doctor, fashionista and lamby.

Max and Gracie.

My sweet little girl.

A New Heart For Paul

Last week, we were out of town, waiting in line at Disneyland when we got a text from Paul that he was going to be receiving a heart. We were ELATED, and nervous for what would be transpiring. We were without internet access but had our cell phones and hung onto every text we got the next day from family and friends giving us the update on Paul's heart transplant.

As most of you know, it went better than expected and we couldn't be happier!! We were able to visit Paul in the hospital for a little while and he looks great. It is truly an unbelievable thing that here we were talking to Paul, sitting up in a chair, when only a few days earlier, he had received a new heart. Simply amazing! It was also a little ironic that he happened to be in the same room that Gracie was in for over six weeks following her surgery at 4 days old. The visit brought back a lot of memories.

I read a quote by Elder Dennis B. Neuenschwander that said:

"Whatever happens in the life of a person, if his attitude is right, the Lord will work that experience for that person's good."

Paul has the best attitude about life and I have no doubt the Lord has worked a miracle for him in part because of his faith and positive outlook on life. We are lucky to have gotten to know him over the past 7 months. He and his family have blessed our lives immensely. We look forward to seeing what the future holds for him!

6 Months Ago Today

Six months ago today, we said goodbye to our little sweetheart.

It feels like 6 years.

Days like today are really just a day to reflect a little bit more about our Gracie because truthfully, there isn't a day that goes by that we DON'T think about her. Remembering what life was like with Gracie is becoming harder and harder. Everything about her starts to feel like a memory that fades with each passing day. Its videos like the one I have posted below that help keep her memory alive for me. I know she is at peace now and is doing good works up in heaven but oh how I miss her and miss that she is not a part of our earthly family anymore.

When I was pregnant, we went to a clinic that did ultrasounds for gender. I was around 16 weeks along. It was UEA weekend and we brought all the kids with us because they were out of school. I wanted a girl SO BAD!! When they told us it was a girl, I thought all my dreams had come true! Two boys and two girls....what I had ALWAYS wanted. I was ELATED to have another little girl and so excited for Callie to have a sister. This is probably what gets to me the most......that Callie will never have a sister to talk to, to be her friend and companion, to walk her through life's challenges. It makes my heart ache just thinking about it.

But life goes on and is meant to be lived with happiness, hope and faith. We work on that every day.......it is a work in progress.

March 2, 2009 will forever be etched in our memory. Knowing that your baby is going to die, saying goodbye to her and watching her die have to be up there with some of the most excruciating things a parent can go through. We came home that night to this poster on our front lawn. Our neighbors David and Stephanie Adair made it for us and had all of the people in our neighborhood come by and write on it. This is just one example of the hundreds of acts of kindness we received through our experience with Gracie. I truly don't know how we would have gotten through it without all of our wonderful family, friends and blogging friends!! The Lord blesses our lives through the service and love of other people and we have definately been recipients of that service. We will be eternally grateful for all the thoughtful, kind, caring people we have in our lives!! We have been blessed!

The kids have started school and Callie is in kindergarten!! I have to admit that I was sad knowing that my little girl was big enough to go to school every day and that I would no longer have her permanently with me. I have an empty house every afternoon but so far have managed to keep very busy!! It is good for me to stay busy because it makes time go faster and helps me not to dwell on the fact that Gracie is no longer with us.

My friends and I have started shopping for Gracie's Tree for the Festival of Trees. It is going to be so special! I will make sure to post more about it in the future.

We appreciate everyone's love and support from the bottom of our hearts!

We miss you Gracie Girl!!

Max reading Gracie's favorite books to her (with an interruption from a CRAZY University of Utah fan!! :) . October 2008.

Sacred Piano

Paul has just released the CD 'Sacred Piano' with "Gracie's Theme" as track number four. I was looking through my recent Deseret Book catalog that I got in the mail and it was so fun to turn the page and see the advertisement for 'Sacred Piano' and to see it featuring "Gracie's Theme". I ripped the page out to keep in Gracie's scrapbook. The following is a description of the CD from the website:
(Gracie almost one year ago at one of Max's football games)

"Nurture the spiritual atmosphere in your home with this beautiful collection of peaceful piano compositions from award-winning pianist Paul Cardall. Spanning his fifteen-year career, these songs showcase Paul’s delicate style and magnificent artistry. His tender and delicate approach to playing the piano has touched countless hearts all over the world."

You can find the CD at Paul's website or Deseret Book or coming soon to itunes. We want to thank Paul again for his tribute to our sweet girl.

Gracie's Theme Music Video

(press pause on the music playlist at the bottom of the blog to be able to hear the music on this video without interruption)

We had never met Paul Cardall before Gracie's funeral. We connected through our blogs while she was in the hospital in February. Our relationship started with correspondence through the blog and then through email about his music. I had wanted a change from the usual music we had been playing in her room. With a one disc CD player, the CD's we had were getting old and repetitious. I was looking for something peaceful, something instrumental to play. I received a copy of Paul's Primary Worship CD and knew I had what I was looking for. It quickly turned into our favorite CD, the one we played over and over and over in her room the last two weeks she was alive.

I mentioned in a previous blog post that my step-dad Gary had secretly emailed Paul and arranged for him to play at Gracie's funeral. That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship between our two families. Paul, Lynnette, and Eden hold a special place in our hearts and we love them not only for everything they have done for our family but also for being such an example of love, faith, enduring to the end, patience, long suffering, optimism and hope.

This is a picture of Paul, Tom (and Lynnette) coming through the line at Gracie's funeral. A picture of the first time we met them in person. We were then, just as we are now, overwhelmed by Paul's kindness and love towards our family. We are blessed that Gracie's life has touched and inspired him enough to write a song for our little sweetheart. Paul wanted the video to show the full circle of her life from heaven and back again, starting with her funeral and ending with her birth. I think he did a wonderful job. It was emotionally difficult going through every picture and video of Gracie for this music video. I gave Paul a LOT of pictures and videos to choose from and then he put everything together to form this music video.

It was an interesting thing to review her entire life through pictures and videos over a matter of a few hours. Only then was I able to get a comprehensive view as to how many struggles she (and we!) had to endure. Gracie is my hero. We are so blessed to have had her in our home.

Paul also posted this video to his blog and wrote a beautiful post about Gracie and our family, to read about it click HERE . He dedicated the video to every family who has lost a child.

We pray nightly for all of our heart friends who are struggling right now. The only thing we know is that we have a Father in Heaven who is mindful of us and our trials and who will always be there for us if we will let him in. If we will just try to continue on in faith, we will make it through.

I saw this quote on a plaque at Deseret Book:

"Faith in God includes faith in his timing."

Neal A. Maxwell

We are fortunate to have been able to feel our Savior's love through all of the kind words and actions of our numerous friends and family members. You continue to strengthen us, thank you!!

Aloha! :)

My own attempt at Gracie's name in the sand.

A beautiful sunset from our table at a restaurant.

Our little family at a real hawaiian luau.

Our family had the opportunity to go to Maui for 10 days the first part of July. We had a wonderful time relaxing and being together. It was our kids first time on an airplane and being anywhere tropical so they LOVED it!! We thought about our GG a lot and saw some very cute swimsuits and hula skirts that would have looked darling on our girl.

I continue to be thankful to all of you who continue to comment and send me emails. I read each and every one and wish I had time to respond to all of you. Some of you have shared with me life changing experiences you have had because of Gracie's blog, I save these and will remember them always. I appreciate it very much.

We passed the half million mark for people looking at this blog.....absolutely mind boggling. Some of you have come up to me in the store and introduced yourself and told me how touched you have been by Gracie's story, I enjoy meeting you and appreciate you letting me know who you are. All of your words of kindness help us to heal from the loss of sweet Gracie.

It wouldn't be Gracie's blog if I didn't include another quote. I thought this one was really good.

It is from President Thomas S. Monson,:

"Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel's end—no dawn to break the night's darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea 'Is there no balm in Gilead?' (Jeremiah 8:22). We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face."

Thomas S. Monson, "Looking Back and Moving Forward," Ensign, May 2008, 90

A Video Clip Of Gracie

I was going through the video on our camcorder and came across this cute little clip of Gracie smiling at her daddy in her bouncer. I love how she does her little coy look away and lets a smile slip in once and a while......so sweet. All while trying to turn her head against the force of that darn feeding tube pulling on her cheek. It was fun to watch all the clips on our camcorder in succession. Gracie changed so much from the time that we first brought her home. I didn't notice it while I was living it. Only in reviewing her little life on film did I see her cute personality evolve. It's as if she came alive after coming home. Smiles were not her strong suit during those first 76 days in the hospital. I don't think I would be smiling much either. We were so blessed to have been able to get to know her in our home, the place where she felt safe.

The more that time goes on, the more our life turns back into the 'normal' we used to have. I find it sad in a way because there is a portion of you that wants to just sit frozen in time and try to never forget the memory of your baby girl. But the freshness of her memory fades the more time passes. You always have memories with all the photos and videos but the fact of the matter is that every day that passes is one day farther from being with your baby. I know people have said that it is one more day down that you will be with her again and I guess that would be helpful if I didn't have so many days ahead of me.

We are holding it together and trying to move forward with faith. Faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ is what gets us through this and other trials. I don't know how anyone can go through something like this without faith in a higher power. We continue to think and pray for all of our little (and big!) heart friends out there who are still fighting the good fight.

I came across the following in an article in the Church News on May 23, 2009. It said:

President Hinckley said he enjoyed the words of Jenkins Lloyd Jones written in a June 12, 1973, Deseret News column: "Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed.

"Most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.

"Life is like an old-time rail journey---delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

That is the trick, being thankful for being able to have the ride. We have a happy life despite our trials and that is due to being incredibly blessed by our wonderful family and friends and membership in the church. I continue to get emails from those of you who don't know us and have been touched by Gracie's life. We are humbled by the power of her story and grateful that she was able to change so many lives in her short time with us. What a gift she will forever be to me. I will hold her memory close until we meet again.

A Heart For Lindsay

How adorable is this little Lindsay? She is one of Gracie's little heart buddies listed on the side of our blog. She just had a heart transplant and is doing well!! We send our best wishes to their family. Click here to read about her on her blog.

Instead of Tears......

Instead of tears.....I hope this post brings a smile. It's amazing how much entertainment can come out of a couple of ratty, goofy, random wigs. Nice bruise on Callie's chin....remnants of two different falls onto the same spot on her face. Life goes on and we will continue to find joy in the journey. One of my favorite quotes is "Enjoy the little things in life for one day you will look back and realize they were the big things."
pictures taken 4-22-09

Thinking about my GG

Gracie, 6 months old in this picture.

Just thinking about my girl today and missing her. Today she would have been 14 months old.

This is one of my favorite pictures of her, being held by one of her biggest fans, my mom. I don't know what it is about this picture that is so striking to me. I like the coloring, the red flowers in the corner, her sweet face looking so peaceful and content, her little fingers with her girly bracelet hanging off her wrist, her cute little hair with a line down the center where her bow used to be, the feeling of pure love from a grandma.......everything about it is special.

It's amazing to think that we took hundreds of pictures of Gracie but now I feel like it's not enough. I wish I had more. I actually wish I had more good pictures of her, I have a lot of hospital pictures but those are not the ones that I tend to look at. All you have are pictures and videos when your loved one is gone......and I don't think it's possible to have too many. So, that is the challenge for me and for you this summer, take more pictures of your loved ones.....take more than usual at that family party, family reunion or picnic or just your every day events. They will be priceless to someone someday.

Gracie's Name In The Sand

Gracie Jean Gledhill

March 20, 2008-March 2, 2009

We love you Gracie Girl!

There is a neat website called http://www.namesinthesand.net/ that originates out of Australia (I think). The people running the website lost a child of their own and started writing 'angel children's' names in the sand as a way to help bereaved families. It is free service and they only put their email address on their website for one day a week and then take it off. They get 150-200 requests just on that one day that they list their email address. They only do children who have passed away, not adults. They rely on donations to keep their site up and running. What a neat thing to do for other people. I love the picture. It's the next best thing to living near a beach myself!

Mother's Day/Gracie's Headstone

Me and my girls last Mother's Day.......

.........

and then this year.....today we got the call that Gracie's headstone had been placed. The timing is bittersweet, the day before Mother's Day.

This is Callie yesterday, holding the balloon she got from a birthday party. She wanted to bring it to Gracie's grave and let it go.
Watching her balloon fly away.
Callie picked this My Little Pony balloon at the store.



We got the call today that Gracie's headstone had been placed. Tom and I immediately drove down to see it. We were pleased with how it turned out. Seeing it there makes it 'official' and sad. Through some tears I sarcastically said "Happy Mother's Day to me". I couldn't help but feel the irony of the whole situation. I am glad that she has more than a silver marker on her grave now. Seeing her picture there will help me feel closer to her when I visit.



I had already been thinking of Gracie more over the last few days with Mother's Day coming up on Sunday. Friday, I decided I would like to take a balloon to her grave because I was thinking of her. Callie and I went to the store and I let her pick out the balloon. She picked My Little Pony and brought along a purple balloon that she had leftover from a birthday party that she wanted to let off. It was really windy and a little chilly so we didn't stay long. Surprisingly, her headstone would be placed the very next day. Callie let go of her balloon and watched it disappear into the clouds.


I know all the 'first' holidays without her will be the hardest but Mother's Day will most likely remain the one that I reflect on Gracie the most. It will probably always bring a twinge of sadness in some form or another. However, some people never have the chance to be a mother. I have been blessed to have four beautiful children and I am extremely grateful for that. Mother's Day will have a different feeling to it now. Knowing that I have a sweet baby waiting for me in heaven is something special.

Thanks to all of you who have already sent me emails and facebook messages that you are thinking of me this Mother's Day, how very thoughtful of you. I hope all of you have a good Mother's Day too. I have received the following saying a couple of times from some very nice blog friends, it says:


"The best way to have Heaven in your home.............is to have someone from your home in Heaven."


I look forward to a bittersweet day tomorrow. Having fun with the three kids I have here with me and thinking in my heart always of the one who is watching over us.

Two Months Ago

Gracie, two months have gone by since I last held you in my arms. I think about you constantly and wanted to write down some of my thoughts.

Gracie, I think of you........

When I was shopping in St. George and saw all the cute new spring baby clothes at Gymboree and my sister and I kept saying 'Oh da Geeg (pronounced JeeJ ;)' to try and lighten the mood.

When I saw your picture in your daddy's office and realized that for now, it matches all the other kids pictures. In the future, their pictures will change, but yours will stay the same. :(

When I registered Callie for Kindergarten and realized that in another year I will have an empty house all day, every day. And I will never be able to register you for Kindergarten.

When I saw a cute new baby boutique and knew I couldn't go in it.

Every time I drive on the main highway and look up on the hill as I pass the cemetery where your precious body lays.

When I picked up a prescription at the pharmacy the other day and felt like telling the pharmacist that the reason we weren't filling YOUR prescriptions anymore was because you passed away. I wonder if he notices.

When I watch American Idol ;) and watch Danny Gokey sing who lost his wife during surgery to a congenital heart defect.

When I see the new items on the baby aisle at Target that is right down the center of the store where I can't avoid it.

When they asked me to contribute to Primary Children's at Costco and I wrote GRACIE really big on the hot air balloon donation slip.

When I listened to General Conference and listened to our Prophet Thomas S. Monson's talk. He talked about a pioneer women who buried her husband and her FOUR children as she crossed the plains in the dreary winter. She buried her children in the cold ground by digging their graves by hand with a teaspoon and then when the teaspoon was gone, by digging the last one's grave with her BARE HANDS. It helps keep my trials in perspective.

When Callie looks at your picture and starts talking to you and making cute little sounds, like you're really there.......

When I clean out Callie's closet and realize I don't need to save her clothes because I don't have anyone to hand them down to anymore.

When I get another medical bill in the mail.

When I was sick and went to a new doctor and had to answer 'the question' as to how many children/live pregnancies I had and had to tell them you had just passed away 6 weeks ago. Reliving your story again and almost crying to a total stranger.

When I took Callie to the pediatrician and it was the first time I had been back there without you and our 'setup' with the stroller, feeding backpack, oxygen and diaper bag.

When I see a coupon for diapers, wipes or baby lotion and realize I don't need to cut them out.

When I passed an ambulance traveling northbound on the freeway with it's lights flashing but no siren, just like when we went. I wondered who was in there and what they were going through.

When I wore for the first time, the outfit that I was wearing the last time I held you in my arms.

When I see your brothers and sister tear up and get sad because they miss you so much.

We love and miss you Gracie Girl! The kids pray for you every night. We know you are being taken care of up there. Until we meet again my sweet baby.

Easter Memories

Easter Sunday March 23, 2008

Gracie, 3 days old

Gracie's 'My First Easter' socks!

Pure Love.

Last year Easter fell on Sunday March 23rd, Gracie was 3 days old and had her Norwood open heart surgery scheduled for the next morning. These are three pictures that I didn't post on my blog from last Easter. This is the first holiday that we celebrated without her. I think she would've looked pretty darn cute in a sweet little Easter dress this year. :(

What a difference a year makes. We had no idea in those pictures where we would be on this Easter Sunday. I wish it was with Gracie.

We have a deeper appreciation for our Savior Jesus Christ and his Atonement. We know that he lives and that we can live with him again and be with Gracie if we live righteously here on the earth. I have talks about this frequently with my children and try to stress the importance of making good choices every day so that we can be with Gracie again. Even the little choices like being nice to each other. ;)


The following are a few pictures from this Easter April 12, 2009. The kids had a great time on the annual egg hunt. (Like the grocery sacks? I forgot to bring their baskets to grandma's!)
My kids look older to me now. I don't know if it's because we don't have a little baby around the house anymore or if it's that the last 1 1/2 years of their lives are a blur, or both. Either way, I am cherishing these fun years of them still being cute on things like an Easter egg hunt. I don't think it will be quite the same taking pictures of my teenagers egg hunting?!

I hope everybody had a good Easter, I know we did. I am grateful for the three living children that I have, they help me to not get too depressed about Gracie. Seeing their shining faces everyday makes me smile. Our memories of Gracie do too.

Article in the Deseret News

Paul playing 'Gracie's Theme' at the concert. (picture taken by the Deseret News)

This post is a little late but I say better late than never! The Deseret News is doing a series of articles about Paul waiting for a heart transplant. This article came out Saturday, April 11th. The first one appeared on the day of Gracie's obituary (I don't think it was a coincidence!) We have saved every article but wanted to post the link to this one because they talked all about the Living for Eden concert and then talked about Paul playing 'Gracie's Theme'. Here is what the article said about Gracie:

The family of Gracie Gledhill, an infant who was one of Cardall's fellow patients at Primary Children's Medical Center, was honored with a tribute to their daughter, who died last month after surviving only a year with a congenital heart defect. Her funeral had been Cardall's only public performance since he was listed for a transplant last August.

He spoke of his fellow patients at Primary Children's, most of them decades younger than he and wondering what the future holds. "I have great faith in the future," he said. "Whether or not it turns out the way some of us want it to, I know there is a great thing called 'families are forever.'"

With that, he sat down and played the only song he's written in the past several months, dedicating the performance of "Gracie's Theme" to Dr. John Hawkins, "who is also fighting for his life." When it was finished, the little girl danced over the oxygen cord and into the arms of the man at the piano — the one who works every day at living for Eden.

Read the rest of the article here.

We have enjoyed getting to know the Cardall's. They are a wonderful family, so faithful in Christ and all around fun people. We have been so humbled by the blessings that continue to come from our associations with all of you who have supported us over this past year.

I started this blog a few weeks after we found out about Gracie's heart condition when I was about 23 weeks along. The purpose was to keep family and friends in the loop as to what was going on with our baby but it turned into much, much more.

The blog has given me:

--strength from the comments and emails of my friends/family and all the new friends that we have met through this online world. I would not have had near the support if people just 'heard I had a sick baby in the hospital'.

--an irreplaceable journal of every important detail of Gracie's life. I have hundreds of emails from friends and strangers that I will keep as part of her story.

--a way to meet, support and keep in contact with other heart families linked through our blog. I have formed friendships that I hope will last for a long time.

--a reason to be more conscious of the everyday details that I turned into blog entries. Some memories, I am convinced I would not have recorded without the blog.

--an outlet where I could share Gracie's spirit and her special mission on earth in a way that has touched others for good.

I have often thought of what will become of this blog. It has served our family well and was a great way for me to feel like I was doing something 'for her' sometimes when I could not be with her, sometimes when I could not hold her and sometimes just while she was sleeping at home. The blog is now a place where I can go to see her picture, listen to 'her' music and read past entries/comments about her life.

Since I created a private family blog several months back, I'm sure that I will start to blog more and more on that one and less and less on this one. This one was devoted just to Gracie and now that she is gone, I will have less and less things to write about. I don't want it to be a place for gloom and doom all the time. Sometimes I feel like putting a disclaimer at the top of my blog that warns people not to read it if they don't want to be depressed! :(

We know that Gracie is in a better place and that she is with our Heavenly Father and Jesus and is purely happy. It is just hard for all of us left here on this earth because we miss her dearly.

Thanks again for all of your love and support, we have truly been overwhelmed by the letters, comments, blog entries and emails of stories telling us how Gracie has changed your lives for good. In the midst of our great sorrow, your words of kindness and attachment to Gracie and her memory is what gives us great peace and happiness.

Paul Cardall's Benefit Concert

Living For Eden.....Paul's darling 3 year old daughter. The benefit concert was for Paul who has been waiting 231 days on the heart transplant list.

Backstage with Ryan Shupe, Paul Cardall and Kurt Bestor . We originally weren't going to bring our kids to the concert but Paul talked us into it and told us he wanted us to come back stage before the concert with our kids. They had a great time and wore their back stage pass badges to school the next day!

Backstage with Peter Breinholt and David Tolk.

Me and my hubby


Max is wearing his 'Gracie necklace' that Liz and Heidi (angel heart moms) made him and my other kids......thanks you guys :)

Taylor and his ring pop. My kids are sugar addicts.


Hmmmmmm.....is this the face of an innocent girl? Think again! :) Callie was SUCH a stinker at the concert!! She ran up and down and up and down the aisles almost the whole night. We had to take her to the bathroom once, and another time to get a drink (even though I made sure I took her to the bathroom right before the concert started!). No amount of bribery would work. We tried about 5 different kinds of treats. She would eat a little bit of her treat and then off she went to run free!!

Me and the kids.....Tom was missing in action.

Callie salivating over the Cinderella dress up that was in the silent auction.

Me and my friend (of 30 years!!) Marci.

Me and Brytten, Teagan's mom. We met Brytten in the hospital right after Gracie was born. Her son was born 10 days earlier. The picture below is of them together when we went to visit Teagan after his Glenn surgery. We always said they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Now Teagan will have to find another gal :( :( :(
Our family had been looking forward to this concert for a long time. It was worth the wait!! We had an INCREDIBLE night. We saw so many of our friends and family and had a GREAT time. I wish I could've gotten a picture with everybody! We are so grateful for all of you who came out to support Paul (and Gracie!). The musicians were great. They had Kurt Bestor, Ryan Shupe and the Rubber Band, Peter Breinholt, Sam Payne, David Tolk, and Colors.

My sister Stephanie recorded the song/tribute (thanks Stef!!!) that they had Peter Breinholt do for Gracie. It was so surreal to see a huge slideshow of my sweet baby for over 3,000 people to see. What a special experience. You could almost hear a pin drop when the song was over.

Take a look: (you can pause my playlist music at the bottom and then hit the play button at the bottom of this little video clip)



When I met Paul's mom earlier in the evening, she told me that Paul was probably going to play at the end of the concert and that he was planning on playing 'Gracie's Theme'!!!!! My heart sank with the weight of emotion I was feeling. I told her that I would for sure be needing some Kleenex and I forgot to bring some!! She very thoughtfully tracked down a pack and split it with me!! :) Here is the video clip of Paul playing 'Gracie's Theme' in honor of Gracie and all of our other little heart buddies. It was awesome to hear him play it live.

This was a night we will never forget. I will never be able to express how thankful we are to Paul. The fact that he has only written ONE song since he has been listed for transplant and that song is for Gracie is overwhelming. We have been so lucky to receive so much love and support. We want to thank Paul for sharing his big night with our girl. We want to thank him for helping keep Gracie's memory alive, a memory that will live on through this song.

In regards to the blog entry that Peter Breinholt read before the tribute, I too wish I could've attended one of Paul's concerts with Gracie on my lap. But I do look forward to attending his concert POST TRANSPLANT with Paul feeling a whole lot better and having a new lease on life.

Please pray for Paul, we need him around for many, many more years to come!!