Gracie, two months have gone by since I last held you in my arms. I think about you constantly and wanted to write down some of my thoughts.
Gracie, I think of you........
When I was shopping in St. George and saw all the cute new spring baby clothes at Gymboree and my sister and I kept saying 'Oh da Geeg (pronounced JeeJ ;)' to try and lighten the mood.
When I saw your picture in your daddy's office and realized that for now, it matches all the other kids pictures. In the future, their pictures will change, but yours will stay the same. :(
When I registered Callie for Kindergarten and realized that in another year I will have an empty house all day, every day. And I will never be able to register you for Kindergarten.
When I saw a cute new baby boutique and knew I couldn't go in it.
Every time I drive on the main highway and look up on the hill as I pass the cemetery where your precious body lays.
When I picked up a prescription at the pharmacy the other day and felt like telling the pharmacist that the reason we weren't filling YOUR prescriptions anymore was because you passed away. I wonder if he notices.
When I watch American Idol ;) and watch Danny Gokey sing who lost his wife during surgery to a congenital heart defect.
When I see the new items on the baby aisle at Target that is right down the center of the store where I can't avoid it.
When they asked me to contribute to Primary Children's at Costco and I wrote GRACIE really big on the hot air balloon donation slip.
When I listened to General Conference and listened to our Prophet Thomas S. Monson's talk. He talked about a pioneer women who buried her husband and her FOUR children as she crossed the plains in the dreary winter. She buried her children in the cold ground by digging their graves by hand with a teaspoon and then when the teaspoon was gone, by digging the last one's grave with her BARE HANDS. It helps keep my trials in perspective.
When Callie looks at your picture and starts talking to you and making cute little sounds, like you're really there.......
When I clean out Callie's closet and realize I don't need to save her clothes because I don't have anyone to hand them down to anymore.
When I get another medical bill in the mail.
When I was sick and went to a new doctor and had to answer 'the question' as to how many children/live pregnancies I had and had to tell them you had just passed away 6 weeks ago. Reliving your story again and almost crying to a total stranger.
When I took Callie to the pediatrician and it was the first time I had been back there without you and our 'setup' with the stroller, feeding backpack, oxygen and diaper bag.
When I see a coupon for diapers, wipes or baby lotion and realize I don't need to cut them out.
When I passed an ambulance traveling northbound on the freeway with it's lights flashing but no siren, just like when we went. I wondered who was in there and what they were going through.
When I wore for the first time, the outfit that I was wearing the last time I held you in my arms.
When I see your brothers and sister tear up and get sad because they miss you so much.
We love and miss you Gracie Girl! The kids pray for you every night. We know you are being taken care of up there. Until we meet again my sweet baby.
61 comments:
I know this will be hard for a very long time. you're doing a good job expressing yourself, well done. Crying over here, it's so real!
I'm one of those you have never met, but I think I should tell you what it has meant to me and my family to follow your blog. I found your Gracie's story through Grace Anderson, a distant family member. We have been touched, often to the point of tears, as we have read your Gracie's story. I'm sure it's sometimes difficult to share what are very personal emotions, but thank you for blessing all your followers by sharing. I teach early morning seminary at a high school in Bountiful. I shared the stories of the two Gracies at the beginning of last school year. The class I had at the time decided to pray everyday for everyone involved. Those prayers have continued through this semester with my new class. May you know you are loved by many and that Gracie continues to be an influence to draw many closer to our Heavenly Father. I feel confident that she is watching over many here on earth, most especially her mommy. God bless you.
"Oh the Geeg". There is not a day that goes by that we don't think of her. The kids get sad when they see a picture of Gracie, and still wonder..."Why"?
I get sad when I see baby boy clothes simply because my baby boy is growing up, I can't imagine the pain of that child not being there at all.
Hopefully our children's simple question "Why" will be answered someday. Maybe only Gracie knows and will tell you someday. Before she tells you I am sure she will finally be able to tell "thank-you" for being such a wonderful mother and giving her a chance at life.
"IIIII miss her"
I know we have never met. But I read your posts all the time. My Corbin was in the hospital for a year and a half of his life. We are home now. I know everytime I get something in the mail that says what my son should be doing at his age, I cringe. At that moment, my mind always wanders to you and Ashley (mother of mercydez). My heart aches for what you must be going through every time you open your mail. To live with those reminders that most pass by every day and think nothing of. I cry every time I read your posts. I am so glad you chose to share them with us. We are missing your beautiful girl too. Just know we think of her all the time. With love, Stacy mother of Corbin
I've been reading your blog for quite awhile now but have never commented. I am the mother of a 9 year old CHD boy and I ache so much for you. You are an absolute inspiration to me and I feel stronger for reading your thoughts and feelings. I find myself thinking of you and your family throughout the day and pray for you all often. Thanks for sharing with us.
Sooooo touching. I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. Grace IS a beautiful, beautiful baby. One day she will be in your arms again. I look forward to that day, for you.
I'm another you never met, but followed Gracie nearly all her life. Please don't be offended when I say that I miss her too. I miss hearing how she's doing, celebrating improvement and thanking Heavenly Father for them, and then worrying about the tough times and asking Heavenly Father for strength for you family to get through it. I got the darling card you send regarding Gracie's Tree and it's on my desk where I see it everyday, and I miss Gracie. God Bless you and your family and remember to stop and look for Him in your sorrow because He is there to comfort you!
Wow Michele, you brought me to tears. I know this sounds crazy, but thanks for sharing these thoughts. Grief for Gracie is shared by many and it is so healing for me to read your thoughts and your open expressions of grief. Love to you and your family.
I know you don't even know me, but I heard a quote from a Mother whose 2 year old drowned in a pool at a babysitters. She said, "We do not suffer out of His view. He does not inflict pain on us, but sustains us in our pain. I am His duaghter; my son is His son; we belong to Him. I used to think we were safe form pain because of our faith. I know now that is not true, but we are safe in His love. We are protected in the most ulitmate sense of all- We have a safe home forever. That is my witness."
I love that. I am praying for your family, and will always remember your Gracie Girl
Just wanted to let you know that I still pray for your sweet family daily. Once again, thank you for sharing your precious baby girl with all of us. Hugs from Riverton UT...
You have a way with words that just puts tears in my eyes instantly!! I think if you all the time and your sweet family. I hope that there will be better days ahead for you. Gracie will always be remembered by so many.
We miss you sweet Gracie!! I think of you often. Thank you for making me a better mom and a better person. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Beautiful...
Two months, oh that makes me sad. It makes me sad that Gracie doesn't get to grow here with her siblings. So hard to realize she's gone. Praying for you as always, that you keep hanging on to what you know is true!!! Gracie is A Child of God, and will never be forgotten!!!!
Michele
I thought of you and Gracie every second during that talk the prophet gave!
I know Im not her mother, but having a heart baby too, I try to think what you are lving through right now and have thought many of those same things in your behalf. May the road get easier, and the memories happier and stronger!
When I read your thoughts, they become so real to me. My heart aches for you...and I often think of Gracie in my daily acitivites too...even though her precious spirit isnt mine. She has left a sense of sweetness in my heart. The tears are always there for your sweet Gracie. It makes me desire to be a better person...so that maybe I can meet the little girl that touches my life so often.
The Lord knows our hearts...and allows us to experience those tender mercies that allow our hearts to become closer to him.
Lots of love and Hugs-
Tonya
Ps. Last night, as my boys went camping for fathers/sons, I lay in my bed thinking about your sweet girl and the miracles that she is performing. I couldnt help but feel a warm feeling in my heart.
I've been following your blog for about 2 months now, and I have to tell you that you are an amazing woman. I follow several other blogs (Bring the Rain, Kayleigh's story), and for some reason, yours touches me the most. Perhaps it was because Gracie lived at home for so long and was such a part of the family. Maybe it's because I have 7 children of my own, or maybe it's the way you write about her- I don't know, but I DO know that every time I read your blog, I am brought completely to tears- actual sobbing. I pray so hard for your comfort. You have a beautiful family, and I feel very blessed to be able to read your story- thank you.
I continue to pray for your family all the time. I also think of Gracie often and still see her precious smile in my mind! May God bless your family.
I pray for you too...everyday.
What an adorable picture of Gracie.
We think of you guys all the time.
Our thoughts are prayers are always with you.
Love, Connie
Michele, Thanks for sharing. You are amazing and so is your Gracie! I am sitting here crying. Thanks for helping me understand what you are going through. What those that lose their precious angels face day to day. I am always reluctant to write because there is no perfect thing to write, but I just want you to know that we are praying and thinking for you. We are grateful that you continue to write about Gracies journey. It is such a blessing.
I just wanted you to know that for the last year my family and I have been praying together every night for Gracie...and since her passing, even every night we pray for her sweet family. Take good care. Hugs!
michelle, i'm not sure what to write because 1) im one you've never met, 2) what can i even say?, and 3) im not sure what words to share that can help in this moment. but i wanted to say thank you for sharing your wisdom and thoughts with us. my family and i have followed gracies story for a while now, and i have to tell you we adore your little girl. we have enjoyed reading updates about you, your children, and your lives. thank you for thinking of us. please know that there are many families STILL praying for yours. include us on that list. i can only imagine the strength your words are giving others in similar situations, and others grieving losses. i know the lord will and is using you as a tool now, helping bring peace, comfort, perspective to his other children hear on earth going through the same things. thank you for enriching our lives. gracie sure is special, and is a lucky girl to have been born into such an amazing family.
happy sunday! with love.
I just want you to know how much your story touches me. Gracie is so sweet. I don't even know your family but I just love you guys. My friend did a post on your family and your situation and I clicked on your blog site. And I'm so happy I did. Thank you for all of the thoughts you put down. It's so wonderful to know that we will be able to return to our Heavenly Father and be reunited with our loved ones. It's so comforting. Gracie's story has truly blessed my life. Thank you so much. You really have a wonderful family. Take care :)
Oh, Michele!! I want to give you a HUGE hug, because you so eloquently put into words the things I feel, but don't know how to say!! Thank you! I know exactly how you feel!! :(
Michele,
I am yet another person who has never met you or your family, but have followed it for many months. This was the most touching post. Even though Gracie has taken flight with the angels, all the things you are experiencing are Gracie's way of reminding you she is around you and your family. I am certain that the pain doesn't get easier but I hope you can find ways to cope with this life event in a way that allows you to continue enjoying your other beautiful children and husband. Keep hanging in there and know you have so much support, even from those of us who have never even had the opportunity to meet you. Best wishes to you and have a happy Mother's Day. You deserve it! Love, Marshelle
My heart aches for you!!! Your words are beautiful as always. I can feel your love for her through those words. Just so you know, we think about Gracie over at our house every day...sometimes just in passing or when Megan draws one of her many drawings of Gracie.
We love you guys!
Nat
Gracie looks so wise in this photo. I can't imagine how much you miss her. Still praying......
Amy
You should have prefaced this post with "get a tissue"! It's SO hard, so consuming, and SO NOT FAIR! Not that life is fair but sometimes it makes me feel a bit better to yell that in my head. I'm glad you still use this blog, I still love to read about her, I'm sure you love to talk about her. What a gift she is, what you and her went through, what an incredible feeling it will be to have her in your arms forever. Nobody, no disease, NOTHING will take her away! God speed!
BAWLING! I have been wanting to write you and tell you my little 4 year old asked me about Gracie the other day. He wondered how she's doing and when I reminded him that she had to say good bye he told me that, "She's doin' fine mom, okay. She's doin' fine." I think she probably is. I hope to be able to give you a hug in person again soon.
Much love,
Mindi
I'm sooo sorry :(
We think about you guys everyday, and pray that your road will get easier....
Love you!
What more can I say then your words and thoughts are so beautifully said. You are sharing with the world how to handle trials with grace. The pain you feel is so real and you will always have part of your heart missing until you meet up with Gracie again. I do so remember all the little times that bring back memories and things that you won't experience with your baby in this life. When Danny would have been 19 I looked at the other kids going on missions and wondered where he would have gone. Now that he would be 22 I wonder what college (of course BYU) he would have gone to and who he might have married. All those memories help to keep them alive in our thoughts and hearts. Gracie has influenced more lives in her few 11 months then most of us do in a lifetime!
Take care!
Lots of love, Gracie's Great Aunt Annette
I am so sorry you have to go through this. It's been 7 months since my daughter passed and I still think about all the things you wrote. I wish I could give some words to help.
Oh Michelle
Beautiful recollections of your precious baby girl. Cant imagine the dozens of memories and reminders every day that you wade through. You are having to walk through life (changed) in a world that keeps swirling....I cant imagine how disorienting that must be. You are in my thoughts and prayers always!
Mandy
I had my first baby 9 weeks ago. I was never supposed to have my own baby. I think of Gracie all the time when I holding my little Stella. You have helped me to never take for granted a single thing. I appreciate the 3 a.m. breastfeeding, stinky diapers that make it all the way to her armpits :) and even the spit up that adorns my shirt right now. Thank you for being so open and honest about your life. You are a blessing and I thank God for you and your family!
B
We are still thinking of your family and praying for you. My little Sunny (who is 4) has been praying every night since Gracie was born. After she died she began praying for you to be happy and for Gracie's brothers and sisters to be happy. About a month ago, I quit reminding her b/c I thought maybe it was time she move on and stop the prayers b/c it made her so sad. Without me saying anything she remembers your family in every prayer. She really has not missed one. I am so humbled by the sweet words she says for your family and realized she can pray for Gracie for as long as she wants. Gracie has been such a special part of our family,even though we didn't know her, and we are so grateful for all that you have shared through your blog.
That picture of Gracie is my very most favorite and makes me miss her even more. Stepping stones will be hard when they are missed. I don't know how you ever get over thinking, "Today Gracie would have...." How blessed we all are though to hear counsel from our prophet and leaders that help us get through this. The whole time through conference I kept thinking, "This one's for Michele" over and over. Their messages always hit home in one way or another. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts with all of us. Even the not so happy ones. What a legacy she left behind. Certainly not one that will EVER be forgotten. Whenever I hear any of the songs on her blog on the radio, on TV, or even in a store I instantly pause my thoughts and think of her.
My thoughts and prayers remain with you forever!
I can't imagine the hurt/emptiness you must feel. I wish I could reach through this computer and give you all a big hug.
Michele - I hope you keep writing on Gracie's blog. I echo the words of so many that read. You inspire and lift so many of us. I hope you don't mind if I steal your thoughts idea for Mia's blog. Comfort to you. Nicole - Mia's mom ^i^
Even though we never met... we miss you too Gracie Girl! We miss all of your mommy's updates telling us about how you ate baby food, or how you are playing with your brothers and sister. You alwasy will make us SMILE!
Michele... I can't imagine how hard it is. I tear up when I read this post. We continue to pray for your family.
Andrea
I have Gracie's little Thank You card hanging in my kitchen. I don't think I'll ever take it down. As I rush around my house doing this and that I see her picture, and it reminds me to STOP rushing around and pay attention to my kids. I'm sorry you are feeling sad. I'm sure it brings comfort to know that her short life touched so many people, but I'm also sure that comfort you feel just isn't enough sometimes. She is a little angel!
Thank you for honestly sharing your emotions and heartache with everyone in blog world. When my daughter passed away 3 years ago this month I felt so isolated and alone. I know that there are other women out there that are going through really tough times or may have just lost a child. Reading your blog brings back all of those memories, first time at the Chinese buffet that we ate out the night before she died, how I went to the cemetery every Wednesday for months because she died on a Wednesday. How every month on the 31st I wore the same outfit that I wore to her funeral. I need to remember these things. I need to remember what it felt like to experience these things so that I will remember as many small details about Madeline as I can. I hope that you will continue to share all of your wonderful memories of Gracie with us and allow us to continue to life you in prayer.
I am always happy to see when you have posted something new here on Gracie's blog. Seeing new pictures of her sweet face and hearing your thoughts is always a touching experience. Thank you so much for sharing her with 'the world'. I think about your family all the time.
Tonight I stumbled upon another blog through google reader and just spent about 15 minutes learning about this family who just lost their little girl, about the same age as Gracie and in a similar way. They live close to you. Maybe, I thought, you two might like to connect since her pain seems so similar to yours right now. The link, if it might help in any way is: www.nicandashleyhawsfamily.blogspot.com
You know, way back when after Gracie was just born and you were waiting for the chance to hold her again after so many days, my arms literally ACHED FOR YOU to get to do that. I am so sad to be feeling that again for you now. I am so sad for you. It just breaks my heart what you have been through. She was so cute.
Reading your post really brought me to tears. Reading what you and your family are going through makes things come into perspective. Those things you mentioned a lot of people take for granted. When I read your blog I really think of all the little things I take for granted with my two girls. I am praying for you and your family that you all make it though.
Thank you for sharing Gracie's story with us. And for continuing to do so even though she is in heaven sitting on Christ's lap. What a blessing to be an eternal family and to have the knowledge we have. We pray for your family daily. You will hold your Gracie Girl again.
As I sit here my eyes red and puffy from crying... listening to the the music and reading Gracie's story. My heart aches for you and your family. 6 months ago our son passed away at Primary Children's as well. He was a gorgeous little guy. Something special about him... just kinda like Gracie. Our Jace was born on 9/4/08 perfect in every way except for the genetic code in his lungs. His body didn't know how to utilize the surfactant that keeps our lungs inflated. They gave us the option to have a double lung transplant... or, remove his life support. We researched everything because we would have had to move to St. Louis. He decided for us and let us know that he was not a good candidate for transplant. We removed his life support on 10/19/08. His big sister got to tell him goodbye and we held him as he returned to his Heavenly Father. Our family will pray for your healing and for the memories to never fade. Gracie made a huge impact on many peoples lives... I am sure of that, without even knowing you or your family. She was/is gorgeous! As I read her story and felt your emotion... I again felt all the emotions like it happened today. I think that it is important to feel that way occasionally, it helps me to remember that he will always be loved, and remembered. I have a blog as well... it is private but, if you would like to visit, I would be happy to invite you. My email address is ashley_larsen2@hotmail.com. Thank heavens we know that families are forever! God Bless you and your family!
I couldn't imagine being reminded of her every where you turn, But then again, you'll never forget. Praying for you. :)
PS - Make sure you check out the annual Tuesday F. Whitt Blog Party, going on till the 12th! Let's kick pediatric cancer's butt one dollar at a time! Go to http://www.fundraiserblog.blogspot.com/
You always have a way with your words to make me tear up and hold my kids a little closer! Michele, I think of you and Gracie everyday and pray for your comfort always.
I was listening to "Gracie's Song" today and feeling sad. We miss her too and the kids talk about her all the time. I'm so sorry you have to feel these feelings... these heart aches. I wish I could take away the pain... we love you
I am in tears AGAIN as I read your blog. You have a gift to be able to express your feelings. Nine years ago this month, I lost my 15 year old sister to cancer and you captured the feelings I felt when she passed on. The sting never goes completely away, but time helps ease the pain. Your family is in my prayers.
Thank you for keeping us in touch with you and your feelings. I keep checking your blog, almost like I hope that she will somehow be with you again right now, she is with you right now...keep the eternal perspective!
I don't know how I missed this update! I just decided to click on here and see Gracie and saw that you had done this new, beautiful post!
I don't think most of us realize the pain that you feel everyday. This post was a great reminder to me to keep praying for you and your family. Thanks for the heartfelt post.
I am praying that your burdens will somehow be lifted.
You have a way of expressing yourself and making me cry every time. I have never met you but as soon as I read your blog the first time I was touched forever. I too have 4 kids. 2 boys, 2 girls....my baby is Gracie and is just one month older than your Gracie.....my heart breaks for you and I pray for peace to fill your lives.
Bless you. Bless you and your family. Gracie was and will continue to be such a source of inspiration for all of us.
Gledhill Family,
I too miss Little Gracie. She has forever touched my heart along with her sweet mother and family.
I continue to pray that you will be comforted.
Hugs and Loves,
Grandma Ann (Alex Stewart-HLHS-Transplant-2008)
I think of your family often and how you are getting through this as I honestly can not imagine!!! I am praying for all of you and all the others that are going through this also.
Hugs
I am another one that you do not know. I found Gracie's blog last July, I stayed up until the early hours of the next morning reading. You write so beautifully, your posts bring me to tears so often that I used to have my husband read them first and tell me if it was one that required a tissue (or many). You have the most beautiful family. I can not imagine what you are going through right now, but through reading your story, you have inspired me to be a better mother and wife. I only hope to be able to be the parent you have been to Gracie and her siblings. Our family has yours in our prayers daily. We always look forward to new thoughts from you. Gracie has touched so many, she will continue to be in our hearts.
I am speechless! What a beautiful post and so well put. You are an amazing writer and can say it so well through words. It is so touching. My heart aches for you and your family. Gracie is so special and is your very own guardian angel watching over all of you and smiling! Thank you for sharing these amazing posts with us to help uplift us and keep us in the loop. Hugs, Staci Gee
Wow! Gracie was/is beautiful. Your blog brings back bitter-sweet memories. I'm new to reading your blog. I have had 5 children. My oldest is 18, then 15, and almost 7. Ten years ago we lost Noah, still born at 26 weeks, then in 2000 Koty blessed our home. He had HPLHS. He lived thru 2 surgeries and passed away at one year and 2 weeks. I still think about him. On Mother's Day, on his birth and death days, when we go to our home town where he and his big brother are buried... I still see his wonderful angelic face in my mind. Noah too. I know they are near when I need them. Someday I'll get to raise them, but for now Heavenly Father needs them. It does get better, the hurt abates, but thankfully the love never goes away. GOD BLESS YOU. May Gracie be near whenever you need her most.
From a fellow heart momma just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. Gracie was beautiful and obviously very very loved. Your words have touched me deeply and your thoughts are fears that I have faced privately in my soul in fear of losing my daughter at times to CHD. It is the hardest place to go as parent, my God continue to give you and your family strength until you reunite with Gracie again.
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